August is calling me in...
I can do hard things. These hard things don’t make me look pretty. I revert to old immobilizing anxiety patterns. My mouth breaks out with mouth sores. The lack of sleep from rumination adds to the cascade of tiny steps backwards I have been taking most days. BUT. I can get through it. I’m not rushing moving through it either. I’m savoring every lesson. Feeling through every day and emotion. Allowing the lessons to sink in deeper than ever before. I’m humbled by the bravery my old and new friends have shown me in staying with me through it all. There is so much to keep me going, especially on the hard days.
May I see you out?
I can’t remember the last time I was this busy! While I tend to do my best work when I am overburdened and scheduled to the max, I can’t help but ask myself if I’m running from something or trying too hard. I have to say that all of these things have flowed so naturally and easily that I didn’t really question them until my mentor pointed out how attractive it is for the world to bring so many things to me… rather than allow the world to unfold for me.
Tripping into Clinical Internship...
Last week was rough finding time for all of my passion projects… as in I didn’t find as much as I needed. I officially started as a fourth-year naturopathic medical student, which means I began my internship. Unlike medical doctors who get four years of medical training and then multiple years of residency (the first of which is known as their internship year), we get three years of medical training and then a year of internship, all within the context of our four-year doctorate level of education.
The intern year for naturopaths is where we get to see patients and work under licensed naturopathic doctors and learn through hands-on experience. It’s also known as our clinical year, which is meant to prepare us for working as independent, licensed naturopathic doctors within a year and a half’s time.
WILY... May is Here!
As I reflected upon the idea of usefulness being found in uselessness, I couldn’t help but be overwhelmed by a recurring, negative, emotional experience I have had throughout my life. It is one centered around this idea of being useless and how that is tied to shame and guilt. There was this single moment, an instant, where I felt this sudden wave of relief. It was as if I was permitted to extend myself grace for all of those moments I had beaten myself up about feeling useless. I must admit, the moment was short, but recalling it now, I can almost feel what I felt at that moment. This inner knowing that being useless is in fact needed for being useful.
What I learned yesterday... Final April Edition
Continuing from last week’s post, I wanted to let you know how the rest of my Texan travels went. Initially, I found myself very conflicted and uncomfortable with being back in Texas. Being surrounded by people who didn’t share common interests or ideals was proving to be very difficult for me. I struggled to stay pleasant and made it difficult for people to want to be around me.
I was able to connect with a friend and colleague who shared some insight with me that shifted my viewpoint and the way I interacted with my environment for the rest of the trip. This allowed me to settle in and truly enjoy the rest of my time in Texas. Read more about this conversation below…
What I learned yesterday... Fourth April Edition
It started off with a bang when I was able to jump off the plane and head to a large stadium and receive my second vaccination! I was so grateful to be in the USA where vaccines are plentiful and readily available. I also felt immensely grateful to be American and have the chance to get my second dose in short order.
In Canada, we are following the UK guidelines for vaccination schedules and are trying to get more people vaccinated with one shot rather than having fewer, fully vaccinated people. This means that there is a four-month delay between the first and second doses of COVID19 vaccinations. I definitely understand and respect this decision made in the interest of public health, but equally felt excited to receive my dose in alignment with data published (either 21 days later for Pfizer or 28 days for Moderna). As a Pfizer recipient, I was able to get my second dose 24 days after my first jab in Canada. Not too bad!
What I learned yesterday... Third April Edition
I struggled to get this week posted for a number of reasons.
I finally got to go back to naturopathic medical school for in-person practical sessions! This included a review of hands-on physical exams, gynecology examinations, manipulation practice, blood draws, and intramuscular injections. It was my first time seeing people in person at school in over 7 months! I was pretty overwhelmed with all of the stimulation but energized and excited at the same time. I did feel, however, that the timing of these practial sessions were poorly coordinated and coincided with a growing public health crisis in Toronto, Canada.
My schooling was abruptly discontinued after 6 continuous days of in-person practicals due to a rise in COVID-19 cases across the Ontario province. After a new lockdown, which contained even stricter guidelines than the previous year, I was feeling pretty deflated.
I quickly decided to jump on a plane and head to Texas. When I found out school would be paused for three weeks, I decided to take the opportunity to travel to Texas. This was no small last-minute feat! I had to drive to Buffalo, fly from there, and arrive with all of my documentation and ducks in a row. I decided to do this since my parents are fully vaccinated, and I hadn’t seen them in nearly a year and a half.